Game On Cafe

Seaman is REAL

2007-12-30T01:46:00.000-05:00

If this motherfucker talks, I'm buying a farm.

Oh, Airman

2007-12-26T15:47:00.000-05:00

Speaking of alien toilets

2007-12-21T17:44:00.000-05:00

Never before has a banner ad managed to capture the essence of an elf taking a dump in the woods

I'm looking for an alien toilet

2007-12-19T12:57:00.000-05:00

To park my bricks

[Link]

Duke who?

2007-12-19T10:27:00.000-05:00

so it would seem that 3D realms has decided to finally try again with promoting Duke Nukem (taking) Forever. do you like how i made that little joke there? well the real joke is that all their delays have caused me to have no interest in their "can't possibly live up to the hype due to obscene delays" mega hit. sorry 3D realms, maybe there are some people who still haven't moved on since duke, but here we are several new IP's later and i just can't muster up curiosity to care about this age old vapor-ware. as a matter of fact, i'm a little perturbed that this is in the news and i feel compelled to post at all about it. so to you 3D realms i say "suk it!"

Lolz @ Capcom Fanart

2007-12-17T18:34:00.000-05:00

[ Link ]

Holy Shit

2007-12-12T19:56:00.001-05:00

You heard me.

[ Link ]

[ BONUS ]

Radio Silence

2007-11-20T23:07:00.001-05:00

The reason there hasn't been any new blog posts recently is because I'm supporting the writer's strike by instituting a pledge of writing silence. Yeah!

See if you fuckers can eke out some scrap of meaning in your toiling, withering lives without the heavenly scripture flowing from the font of angelic brilliance that bursts from my thought hole through the annals of eloquence to the effulgent columns of inspiration and into your dark, chasmic, empty coil. PS. Eat a dick.

Best Blog Headline Evar

2007-11-02T16:56:00.000-05:00

No, not the one for this article.
This one:

Boy Punches His Own Mother Over Halo 3. That's how you finish the fight

[ Link ]

FYI, you're all gonna die!

2007-10-31T09:01:00.000-05:00

RE: Your Brains...

Scroll-o-tron update

2007-10-29T17:01:00.000-05:00

Dear Grue:

I didn't realize your little game was being run by taskmaster nazis with a monolithic hardon for favicons.

Fuck you, buddy. *wink* *heart* *handjob*

My update this week is a new character illustration which may end up replacing the main character.

[ Link ]

Brutal Legend

2007-10-19T12:24:00.000-05:00

Get your motherfucking face melted. Right here: Brutal Legend

Scroll-o-tron 9k

2007-10-18T11:40:00.000-05:00

I've started an initiative to plug bits of hair and teeth into the Flash sidescroller basework I created a while back.

I'll be attempting to post an update a week or until I forget about it.

These two jerks are to blame:
http://egometry.com/
http://speveril.northknight.com/

OH MY SHIT SQUARED

2007-10-17T19:14:00.000-05:00

Is it my birthday? 'Cause between this and Street Fighter 4, I'm feeling like with all this awesomeness, I might have done something wrong to cause it

OH MY SHIT! Bionic Commando swings again!

2007-10-15T20:56:00.000-05:00

Bionic Commando gets a remake.

Dude's got dreads and some other goofy stuff going on, and he's not nearly as rad as my rendition to the right, but I will take what I motherfucking get.

[ Link ]

Sexy Videogame Costumes make everyone get all degenerate

2007-10-15T13:45:00.000-05:00

This page isn't nearly as interesting for the content (which is pretty worthwhile) but for the unabashed creepiness of the ensuing comments. Shame on the internets for convincing perverted, socially awkward guys that it's OK to tell everyone about their lurid deviancy without the decency to feel ashamed of their knotted, slimy black desires.

[ Link ]

Gametrailers.com - Final Fantasy Retrospective

2007-10-10T17:50:00.000-05:00

GameTrailers has been running an excellent video retrospective on the Final Fantasy series and is up to entry 11 in chronicling everything (literally every-godamn-thing) Final Fantasy. There's just about 2 and half hours of FF history with two more entries still to come. Cue them all up and get schooled.

[ Link ]

Also check out more shenanigans from the guy who created Haloid.
Gametrailers.com - Dead Fantasy 1 by montyoum

Harvey Birdman Poster

2007-10-04T17:02:00.000-05:00

Wondrous.

[Link]

OMG!!FFIVDSFTW!!!!

2007-10-03T11:22:00.001-05:00

Warning, this video may cause you to crap your pants in rapid succession. I already had to change mine twice...

Chun-Li gets cock slapped

2007-09-28T17:22:00.000-05:00

Seen on the official Capcom Store.

Is that what I think it is, next to Chun-Li's face?

If so, she seems mighty calm for someone about to get a cheek-ful of balogna.

[Link]

Harvey Birdman + Street Fighter = ASPLODE

2007-09-20T18:16:00.000-05:00

Holy shit:

From the new Harvey Birdman: DS game

[Link]

Best thing of the day

2007-09-20T18:04:00.000-05:00

Katamario

What...the...F...?

2007-09-20T12:59:00.000-05:00

Get the gist of this:
http://biz.yahoo.com/bw/070919/20070919005346.html?.v=2

Then this:
http://www.playspan.com/company.html

[Link]

Happy talk like a Pirate day

2007-09-19T08:35:00.001-05:00

Remember to hoist yer mainsail and watch your booty, I hear there's lots of butt pirates in your territory. Later Matey!

It's so funny, because it's so true

2007-09-14T20:36:00.000-05:00

Games Radar is sporting an eerily accurate article about old school and a few new school games that have heroes leaning heavily on the creative influence of some hollywood dreamboats/scumbags.

[Link]

Hanging with Koji

2007-09-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

Got a change to meet Koji Igarashi, the guy who put the 'vania' the Metroidvania genre.
Also:

Hopefully these pictures will push that dude's banana hammock right off of the front page.

Happy Birthday Faggot!

2007-09-06T14:23:00.000-05:00

Hope you get your present today, it could quite possibly be the greatest gift that ever existed since the dawn of man, or not, whatever. By the by if you didn't notice apple is clearing out the 4gb iphone for only $299 bottom of the page on the right. So yeah we broke down and Renee and I should have ours either tomorrow or Monday. Damn their sleek svelt techno beauty. Peace Out!

Take these HUGS!

2007-08-31T15:50:00.000-05:00

I'm going put this little mofo in my pocket wherever I go.

You know.

Just... in... case...

[Link]

Mark it in your day planner

2007-08-21T21:54:00.000-05:00

[Ohboysies]

Put that in your pipe and inject it into your pleasure core, then gleefully roll around in feces for awhile.

Kings of Power 4 Billion Percent

2007-08-21T18:10:00.000-05:00

From the dude who rocked your face with Pirate Baby's Cabana Battle '06.

Chipmunkpocolypse

2007-08-14T15:50:00.000-05:00

But wait, there's more

Balancing Puzzle Fighter

2007-08-06T15:32:00.001-05:00

I haven't read many developer-direct blog posts regarding game balance, and this one is regarding play balance in Super Puzzle Fighter, once of the most engaging 2-player puzzle games ever conceived.

Hot stuff.

[Link]

I said the Sherrif is a Ni...

2007-08-01T19:16:00.000-05:00

If you've seen "Blazing Saddles" you get the humor of the title, and therefore are probably an intelligent member of society. If you've seen the new Resident Evil 5 trailer and thought, "what the f! this white bastard hates black people" then you are probably ignorant. Case in point, this article on Game Politics with a women from a website called Black Looks has made some very poorly informed statements regarding said trailer. I actually wondered how long it would take before somebody cried foul about this, I mean there was a crazy Mom who saw a video of Castle Crashers and thought they were KKK members killing the homies. I think it will be interesting to see if this affects the production of the game at all. Japan has a very different, not really better or worse, view on people of other ethnic backgrounds whether black, white, red or yellow. Either way, I for one know that black people love me but if there was a black zombie, or white, or even skinless, I would put that muther down faster than Tu-Pac in a drive by.

Velcum Do Caleefoneeaa!!! Quado!!

2007-07-24T09:28:00.001-05:00

So long sucker, have fun working for your big successful new game company. If your not lead game designer within one year we will fly out to Cali' and punch you in the nards!

Comedy Gold

2007-06-12T08:14:00.001-05:00

That's it.

Rock out with your memory card out

2007-06-12T07:47:00.000-05:00

First go read this awesome article on Games Radar, counting down some of the best intros in Games.

[Link]

Then check out some of the ones they missed:

This one doesn't count as an intro, but the mix of terrible, stilted dialogue and ass-rock is fundamental to the industry.

DRM or not, your songs know who you are

2007-05-31T14:40:00.001-05:00

According to an Ars Technica article with some hex snooping by the Electronic Frontier Foundation, it looks like any song you transfer from iTunes will be branded with your full name and email in addition to 360k of "mystery information."

Spooky.

[Link]@ArsTechnica

HABEUS CORPUS! Phoenix Wright causes Blogger legalese!

2007-05-30T07:22:00.000-05:00

Why is it that every newsbyte about the Phoenix Wright series begins with either "OBJECTION" or "TAKE THAT"? We get it. Ipso facto, those are Phoenix's catchphrases, but that doesn't give them carte blanche to impose an injunction on jurisprudence, vis-a-vie, STFU.

Oh Sega, we misses you..

2007-05-27T08:36:00.000-05:00

This commercial for the Dreamcast online service popped up from days of yore, thanks to the power of the inter-webs, to remind us all what the online gaming community is really all about....

whooping booties. Chew on that new gen systems!

I like Assassins because they have two asses

2007-05-23T07:30:00.000-05:00

Normally I wouldn't post something unless I had something novel or had scrounged up something that wasn't getting mainstream feed spin, but godamn this trailer is shit hot.

[Link]@Gametrailers

Sam Fisher gets a little Metro

2007-05-18T08:38:00.000-05:00

Looks like Sam has been going the same stylist as our hetero questionable hero, Leon from Resident Evil 4

[Link] via GamesRadar

Jack Tretton hopes someone will make good games for the PS3

2007-05-18T08:31:00.000-05:00

From an interview with Reuters:
"Hopefully content helps to deliver the proof points and the justification behind the cost of the machine."

When the CEO of Sony America wistfully imagines a world where developers and publishers create compelling software for his overpriced, luxury gamebox, you've got to do a double take.

[Link] via Kotaku

Dear Reader...

2007-05-17T08:13:00.000-05:00

Whenever I open Photoshop, I peripherally scan the splash image as the plugins and fonts and such are being loaded. When I scan, though, I always think I see a celebrity's name listed on the splash image credits and think, "I wonder what Kevin Costner, Scott Baio and Robin Williams contributed to Photoshop's development"

That's all. I just thought you should know.

Mario Paint Melodies

2007-05-14T09:13:00.000-05:00

One of the greatest elements of Mario Paint (besides the guys working out on the loading screens and the fly swatting mini game) was the incredibly accessible music tracker therein. The evidence of its mightiness is below:

Hit up composer TomBobBlender's YouTube profile for more MP magic.

Playing Pocket Pool with Devil May Cry 4

2007-05-11T10:05:00.000-05:00

Saw this gem on GameWallpapers and it immediately set off the klaxxon wail of the WTF alarm. Can someone give me a hint as to why new guy Niero has his hand in Dante's pocket as they move in to seal the deal? I dunno, but it makes me go a big rubbery one just thinking of all the ways Capcom can put these guys into a big sweaty, angry man-tussle.

Oh who'm I kidding. I just hope they don't have a dude-kissin' combo multiplier.

[Link] via GameWallpapers

PS3 1337

2007-05-07T20:57:00.000-05:00

Xbox elite not black enough? Get your dick bent with this:

Teen arrested for drawing D&D maps

2007-05-03T13:11:00.000-05:00

In an upsetting turn of events, Paducah county police have taken 14 year old Albie Barns into custody today after classmates informed authorities that he had been in possession of several hand-drawn maps. The maps, police said, were detail recreations of Orcish camps from the "Dungeons & Dragons" campaign for which Albie was the "Dungeon-Master". In the police report, however, the sheriff referred to Albie's role as "Devil Master" and the maps as terrorist training materials.

When asked to comment, anti-Video Game spokesman and highly regarded pantsniffer, miami lawyer Jack Thompson had only this to say:

"DnD? That's so 80's. Kids still play that? Do they have any money?"

There has been an outpouring of sentiment from the DnD community for young Albie, with many players refusing to roll their 20-sided die in support for the young Dungeon Master's plight, but it seems that for Albie, the only thing he'll be rolling is over in his cell, taking a magic missle from his cellmate.

Shenmue music video

2007-05-02T08:15:00.000-05:00

Speaks for itself. Loses a couple points for not throwing in the kids asking to wrestle, but wins them all back for the forklift race.

My Fake Childhood

2007-04-30T15:34:00.000-05:00

Going outside and having a memorable childhood just got trivialized with this strange hybrid of Harvest Moon and...uh, Tai chi?

[Link] via Gametrailers

Shirts no one should wear pt1

2007-04-30T09:46:00.000-05:00

This gets tossed in the bin right next to the ever brilliant Hot Topic classic, "Don't make me go Zelda on You."

Who green-lights this shit?

Sound the Obvious Alarm

2007-04-30T08:36:00.000-05:00

Virtual Console Downloads Declining

[Link] via Next Gen

Design Idea

2007-04-27T16:54:00.000-05:00

Science Magician or alternatively, Magic Scientist
That's all.

Apocalyptica

2007-04-24T08:47:00.000-05:00

In a spin on the age-old question, '3 games on a deserted island' Destructoid looks at Video Games' most enduring titles.

[Link]

I point this article mostly because of the title image, imagining myself saying those same words after the world gets blown to shit.

To their list, I'd append Castlevania: SotN, Full Throttle and Super Puzzle Fighter.

Seanbaby shits in your future's mouth

2007-04-20T16:14:00.000-05:00

In the afterword to the Video Game Career Guide, Paid to Play, Seanbaby drops some science in your think hole.

[Link] via Seanbaby.com

Chapter 4: Crecente kicks butt

2007-04-17T14:49:00.000-05:00

Brian Crecente throws research and level-headedness in the face of Miami's most thick-headed lawyer.

[Link] via Kotaku

Nintendo's Virtual Console List as translated by Google

2007-04-02T07:43:00.000-05:00

Favorites include:

rentahiro
wandaboi
Legend of zeruda
marioburazazu
Arithmetic play New of donkikongu Jr.

[Linku]

Devil May Crybabies

2007-03-23T07:34:00.000-05:00

Some crazy kids got their panties in a mighty uproar over the idea of previously PS3 exclusive, Devil May Cry 3 going cross-platform and will henceforth boycott all future Capcom products. You know, 'cause they're fed up with Capcom "demoralizing [...] not only the gamers, but also Sony itself." Those charlatans.

Link via Joystiq

Living in the Shadow of Miyamoto

2007-03-12T13:21:00.000-05:00

There's a great article on Gamasutra about a naught mentioned designer behind the Zelda games following Ocarina of Time, Eiji Aonuma.

It goes a long way to explain to the ennui I've felt playing Twilight Princess and the force Nintendo calls "gamer drift" which is a disenfranchisement felt by gamers who feel that there's nothing new to see. While Aonuma knew about this trend after his experience with Wind Waker, the same feeling of "Been there, done that" is rampant in Twilight Princess and was only exacerbated by a convoluted control scheme plagued by over-used context sensitivity.

Still, at least they know about it.

Gamasutra: Aonuma's Reflections On Zelda

How I'd Fix Video Games (new methods of control)

2007-03-06T08:47:00.000-05:00

I got one for you. Just because all the coolest systems have added a nifty new way to interact with games, (DS, Wii, PS3) doesn't mean you have to go so far out of your way to use it that you screw up the game. Case in point, I just played the new SSX Blur, and man is that some bullshit, using the nunchuck and the wii-mote and every frickin' button there in is extremely uncoordinated. A game that involves me just sliding down a big hill, shouldn't need to have more controls than an epic action rpg. And I especially don't want to draw big f'ing hearts in the air to do my uber-trick. Like back in the first Castlevania for the DS where I had to quickly pull out my stylus to draw a pretty picture to "finish" the boss battle, where, if my skills in illustrating ancient arcane magick symbols wasn't up to snuff I had to fight that bastard again. I call shenanigans on your poor implementations game industry, play test that stuff before you send it out the door. I don't have an example for the PS3 yet, but I'm confident that they will soon f'up one of there normally fun franchises as well with some crappy sixaxis controls just to justify that cool name, palindromes FTW!! punks.

How I'd Fix Video Games (Bonus Stage)

2007-03-05T19:52:00.000-05:00

This is a game specific gripe about Zelda: Twilight Princess:
(Minor Spoiler: He turns into a wolf. OMG)

Why the fuck can't I teleport in front of an NPC? Why is the action of turning into a wolf so horribly shocking that Link goes limp at the idea? I can roll into walls like a jackass all god-damned day, but if someone sees me wolfing out, that makes me wierd?

If I were Link, I'd be flipping out in front of people all day long. I don't think I'd be getting charged an arm and a leg for bombs if I started sprouting razor sharp teeth and manacles.
Didn't Miyamoto see Teen Wolf? The wolf goes to Prom with the hot chick. Time to catch up with the 80's, BigN.

How I'd Fix Video Games pt.3

2007-03-05T19:41:00.002-05:00

pt3
Context Sensitive actions mapped to the same button.

Two disparate actions should not be mapped to the same button. Ideally, each button should be have a theme that pertains to the actions it controls.

IE: The circle button will be used to block, evade or somehow cause you to avoid damage. The X button will cause grievous harm on your enemies, or put parts of your body inside of theirs.

If I press the circle button, I need to know that it will get me the fuck out of harm's way, not cause my character to drop trow because he's within twenty feet of a urinal.

pt.3.a
This should go without saying, but I need to be able to skip your dialog box. Seriously. I don't give a shit if you've lovingly crafted a soliloquy in iambic pentameter with only words whose letters are numeric derivatives of phi and you want to make god-damned sure I read it.
I read faster than a fifth grader, let's pretend that when I press a button, I've got the picture and we should feel free to move on.

How I'd Fix Video Games pt.2

2007-03-05T19:35:00.000-05:00

These first few will probably come quickly, seeing as how they pop up in 90% of games.

pt 2
Don't make your gameplay objectives really fucking hard and/or batshit insane. I don't have all day to trial and error my way through your shitty design. Either make the objective obvious and contain a discernable pattern, or make it obfuscated but meaningful.

Games that do it right: Most Zelda dungeons

Offenders: Castlevania 2 (Kneel before the mountain), most Zelda Twilight Princess Dungeons

How I'd Fix Video Games pt.1

2007-01-12T13:08:00.000-05:00

This is the first in a series of posts intended as a thought dump of general ideas of how I'd fix common foibles in game design. This is mostly for my own catalogue of things not to do, but if you don't want to be a douche-bag game designer (DBGD) I'd recommend considering the following. I understand that you can't catch every bug and implement every feature, but having these in mind when making game play descisions and designing mechanics is the first step in not being a DBGD.

1. Don't make the player wait through your delightful and clever interface animation. A player with 2+ hours under his belt will know where he wants to go in your navigation by rote memory. He doesn't need to watch the interface slide, fade, or twirl with jazzy sparkles. Stop wasting the players' lives with Jazzy Sparkle.

1.a I've seen your cutscene, I died, I don't need to fucking sit through it again. I know you've spent a lot of time get the light to reflect of the main character's hair 'just-so', but the frustration I felt getting my ass handed to me a second ago is now achieving a chain combo effect that's preparing to drop a massive amount of counter gems on the enjoyment I was once feeling for your game. LOVE FOR YOU!

2nd post..WOOT!!

2007-01-11T15:08:00.000-05:00

zomg, i got 2nd post

Postage

2007-01-11T14:37:00.000-05:00

First post. omg.